Sunday, April 12, 2009

Friday, April 10, 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

"Shop Smart. S-Mart."

You're back! ^^

As all my friends know, art is my love, but fast food is my true calling. "Would you like fries with that?" is a question I recite in my sleep. Pre-programmed into my brain, it rolls off the tongue even when the asking is unnecessary, before it can be stopped.

Customer: "I'd like a large fry."
Me: "Would you like fries with that?"

Everyone should work a customer service job at some point in their lives. It forces one to foster better people skills, implements discipline, teaches teamwork and calls on reserves of patience so vast that one is shocked at how far their limit can be stretched without snapping. Before Buddha started on his better-known career path, he shoveled french fries. I'm sure of it.

"The tongue like a sharp knife... kills without drawing blood. Now, tell me again why you can't take the tomato off yourself?"

There are habitual offenders, the kind you can sort into categories that other customer service representatives will recognize, such as:

The Mute: The customer remains largely unresponsive to all attempts at communication.

ex. Customer walks up to counter, staring at the menu board above the Wendy cashier person's head.
W.C.P.: "Hello, sir."
Customer: "..."
W.C.P.: "How are you today?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P.: "Is it going to be for here or to go?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Do you need any help finding anything?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Sir...?"
Customer: "I'll take a number one combo."
W.C.P.: "With a Pepsi?"
Customer stares at soda dispenser. "..."
W.C.P: "Diet Pepsi?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Dr. Pepper?
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Mountain Dew?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Monkey's ass?"
Customer: "..."
W.C.P: "Toilet water?"
Customer: "This is to go."

The Mathematically Challenged: The customer can't understand how the items they asked for really cost the amount portrayed in large, clearly printed numbers on the menu board.

ex. Customer: "I'd like a cheeseburger deluxe."
W.C.P: "The junior cheeseburger deluxe?"
Customer: "What?"
W.C.P: "Or a quarter pound single with cheese?"
Customer: "Yeah, give me a single cheeseburger deluxe." *angry tone*
W.C.P: "Okay, that'll be $3.39."
Asshole: "Huh? Three dollars for a burger?"
W.C.P: "Yes. As you can see on our large, clearly printed menu board." *points*
Asshole: "Don't you have any junior burgers?"
W.C.P: *smacks forehead*

The Center of the Universe: Self explanatory.

ex. Hostile woman comes to the front counter after going through the drive through.
Hellbitch: "I just came through drive through, and they forgot to give me an extra spoon!"
W.C.P: "Sorry about that. Spoons are on the condiment stand right behind you."
Hellbitch: "Get me a spoon!"
W.C.P: "...They're two feet behind you."
Hellbitch: "I want to talk to your manager!"
Manny: "Ma'am?"
Hellbitch: "RAAAAAAAAAA!"
Awesome other customer: "Here's a spoon. There's a whole pile behind you, hon."
Employees: *snigger*

The Disgruntled Regular: The customer (almost always a crotchety old man) can't understand why, out of the hundreds of customers that come through the store each day, you don't have his particular order memorized and ready by the time he gets up to the counter.

ex. Customer comes to front counter and orders "the usual".
W.C.P: "Okay, remind me what that is again?"
Old Bat: *belabored sigh* *mumbles about terrible service*
W.C.P: "Please go die soon."

Just to name a few of my favorites. There's joys to the food industry, as well-- but we'll have to explore those another time.

Time to watch Rent with my girl! ^^


Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Hi! Hi. Hi, hi... hi."


Welcome to my shiny new blog.
This is me:

[that gesture means 'lesbian' in sign language]

A starving artist from New Joisey. (we don't actually talk like that.)

And this is Lube Penguin. Like me, lube penguin enjoys

hanging with friends,


and pussy.

I'm not sure what kind of a blog this will turn into, but I hope you stick around to find out. :]